Practical Strategies for Sensitive Souls

by Lizette Campbell

ONE OF THE most frequent concerns of parents of gifted children is how to respond to the heightened sensitivities their children experience. Within my practice, parents often pose the question of how to help their children feel confident and comfortable fulfilling their potential, whilst deflecting the intentional and unintentional hurt to which they are sometimes subjected. This article is written to assist parents to recognise and manage low levels of teasing, bullying or distress within the gifted child's everyday environment. Most typically this will occur at school, where children spend the greatest portion of their day, though it could occur at any sporting or social event. The realist will agree that it can occur even within the kindest and most understanding families!

This article is not written with the intention of providing the answers to physical bullying or more sustained violence or intimidation or long term harassment. These are more complex issues and need to be dealt with in partnership by (for example) the home and school / sporting club. As a parent or teacher take care not to fall into the trap of expecting the young child to be solely responsible for effecting change. This style of strategy will not work and will ultimately confirm the imbalance of power between the bullies and the victim. It is not up to the child to stay out of someone's way indefinitely or turn the other cheek or only play in full view of a teacher.

Most schools have an anti-bullying policy and this should be activated quickly, without guilt or prevarication, should you feel your child is experiencing physical attacks or ongoing ridicule or harassment. The Department of Education, Training and Youth Affairs has recently published a very helpful pamphlet entitled, "Bullying: Information for Parents". A copy of this was distributed to all State schools and many Catholic and Independent schools at the start of this year.

Gifted young children are often vulnerable to potential bullying for a number of reasons. They may stand out from their peers in their abilities and the ease with which they understand and tackle their work. They may be faster to answer questions, seem to be always right and be the chosen student for something new or hard or needing a mature and responsible approach. Their advanced verbal skills may mean that they "appear" to be bossy or showing off.

If there is obvious commentary on a gifted child's abilities from classmates, this needs to be tackled head on by the classroom teacher, in the context of respecting each other's abilities, class rules, fair turns, listening without interrupting etc. There are many good programmes available to the classroom teacher, including "Friendly Kids - Friendly Classrooms" and "Dirty Tricks" (Silvereye Educational Publications, ph 02 4933 9797).

Sometimes a gifted student feels that they never get picked to answer a question, or are only picked if they are daydreaming as a way of bringing them back to task and therefore they may give an answer that brings embarrassment or ridicule upon them. This might seem to them to be deliberately unfair or unkind on the teacher's part. By bringing this to the teacher's attention, often a balance can be struck where a teacher acknowledges the child's mastery of the subject then maybe agrees to ask a few more complex questions. By giving the child the opportunity to answer one of them, rather than appearing to gloss over that child in favour of less able students gives a recognition of the gifted child's understanding. If a student is losing focus due to the basic level of discussion, then a pre-arranged signal can be used between the child and the teacher. An example of this is the teacher moving closer to the student, or touching them on the shoulder or indicating they will be asking a question of someone either by name or in a certain region of the room that includes the child.

It is very important to recognise the physical as well as the emotional symptoms when a child is feeling harassed or being bullied. In fact, the physical symptoms such as repeated headaches, tummy aches or general malaise can sometimes be our first clue, particularly if there is a pattern on school days or Mondays.

The first stage in deciding what strategies to use is identification of the problem from the child's point of view. A parent's automatic response is likely to be to try and solve the problem immediately, or else to down play it. Indeed, from an adult's viewpoint, the triggering event may appear to be just a little thing or a temporary occurrence and therefore able to be glossed over. From a child's point of view the event can seem to be an overwhelming portion of their day and immediate future. A parent can provide invaluable assistance with perspective, without needing to intervene in any way.

It is very important that even a young child is encouraged to think first about what they would like to do about the difficulties they are facing. Questions like, "How can I help?", "Is there something you think would improve things / make it better?" and "Are you happy to try your idea first?" are good starting points. It is very important that the child feels that they can talk about a difficulty without it being taken over. This sends the message that the adult recognises the difficulty but has confidence in and respect for the child's abilities and needs. It encourages the child to bring little problems to their parents, to work together in partnership, and allows for an early warning system to be put into place. Trying something first does not mean you can't evaluate it and try something different or step up the intervention the next day. Naturally, it is important that you set a time frame to check back with them as well as set a reasonable time to give the new approach a chance to work.

Sometimes probing around the issue helps you and your child determine if the bullying is occurring only in certain circumstances, or more generally. Usually, the child feels that they are the only one being bullied, but this is rarely the case. However, because successful bullies know how not to get caught, it may appear that it is only occurring in isolation or just to them. Sometimes, encouraging the child to talk amongst their friends or siblings about whether or not they have been teased or bullied by anyone reveals surprising information and can lead to some group solidarity and solutions. If a child does not want to indicate to their friends that they have been bullied, they can use a hypothetical situation - "Someone was telling me about a friend of theirs who.." or "I saw a show on TV about…"etc.

Some additional questions to help your child talk about their feelings and experiences:

1. Do you ever feel like you are the only kid who… (gets teased/ goes to a different class for reading/etc)? When do you feel like that? What can we do to make you feel less alone?
2. What are things you think someone else would say about you if they were writing an introduction about you to someone who didn't know you? What do you think are your special qualities? (Make sure you add some things here too that you value in your child).
3. Have you ever failed at something and then felt like you weren't good at anything? What did you do? What would you do differently now? (This provides a good opportunity to share some of your own experiences - good and bad and to remind the child that we can learn and refine our ideas and behaviours from our experiences, and there will be chances to change or do something differently down the track).
4. Some kids feel better when they play with their friends, even if they are feeling down or bad. Others like to have some quiet time and read or draw or listen to music. What can you do when you're not feeling good?

I frequently find that gifted primary age children are quick to seize on the idea of a more intellectual approach to verbal bullies. Having a few quick comebacks, dripping with sarcasm or hyperbole appeals to them, although often they report that they found it worked just as well simply thinking these ripostes to themselves. Giving them permission to use their intellect as a "protective weapon" can be quite empowering. This age group also often responds well to looking at hypothetical scenarios. I often ask a child to think of the most extreme or out of character response they could make. They quickly realise that if they wanted to do something really dramatic such as give a sudden shriek and fall to the floor, their teacher would be swift to take action. The tantalising idea of doing that (with or without prior warning to the teacher) the next time the perpetual poker pokes them helps restore a feeling of choices and options, even if they are extreme. It also helps them to realise that their teacher may not be aware of certain events that are troubling them unless they let them know.

Younger children often respond well to an image of protective armour or an invisible bubble or space suit that is placed over them which deflects the unkind words or silly names that some kids tease them with. This should be coupled with some additional support to help them establish some different patterns of interaction while the teasing loses impact and the bully loses interest. This might be linking them up with another child, or ensuring they have something to play with that could include other children and alerting the teacher to the plan.

It is not uncommon for gifted young children to experience a period of sadness or bleakness at a much earlier or more intense stage than a parent or teacher is expecting. It can be beneficial to help your child to look at their worries in terms of what is "reasonable / unreasonable" to help guard against catastrophisation or excessive gloominess. A smiley face or a gauge or even a thermometer might be a visual way of measuring their feelings.

Sliding scales and other types of self-rating schemes are a more mature, less invasive approach with teenagers. A pact can be made that a parent will only step in after they rate higher than a certain level of distress or frustration for more than an agreed upon time. This also allows for some matter of fact discussion which teenagers need for independence. At the same time, a list of "stress busters" can be brainstormed and referred to when the warning levels are reached. Such stress busting activities might include:

• Going for a walk
• Having a long soak in the bath, going for a swim
• Taking the dog for a walk, going for a bike ride
• Listening to some music with headphones
• Watering the garden
• Practising some relaxation or breathing exercises
• Chopping firewood
• Making a cake
• Giving or getting a backrub.

Gifted children are also vulnerable to their own heightened sensitivities and greater compassion and moral development. They may feel hurt and distressed on behalf of other children or as a result of decisions made or actions taken. The general environment may be causing them distress. For example, there may be a general level of hassling going on amongst other students at their table or the class teacher may raise their voice frequently through the day. There may even be a level of offensive language in the playground.

Sometimes it is important to help a child realise that they are not responsible for finding solutions to general classroom problems, or other people's difficulties. The notion of "Restoring the Global Balance" can be used to help a child who is troubled by other people's actions or wider social injustices. A gifted child can be encouraged to look on some small actions such as including someone new in their group, saying a cheerful hello to someone they don't know very well or smiling at someone as they pass them in the corridor as ways of contributing to and increasing the positive and kindly aspects of humanity. Trying to live by the school's motto, such as, "Thinking of Others" or "Friendship First" can be another practical activity. This can also be an opportunity to look at the family's mores and values and contrast them with some of the current everyday attitudes of general society.

Gifted children are able to utilise abstract and philosophical issues to help them formulate their own personal ethics, and will often ponder on an event or issue over a considerable time. It may be something they can explore in their own journal writing or drawing or collecting quotes or political cartoons that send a message which they wish to endorse. As the child gets older, they can become involved in more community minded activities, join the Student Council, write to newspapers, join in with Clean Up Australia Day and encourage the school to participate in a charity or sponsor a child or commit to a particular cause.

Another simple visual strategy that can be used is "Steps to Success". In this exercise, a set of steps, a little like a podium or dais is drawn with stars or a trophy at the top of the steps, and a number of interim achievements drawn in or written across the steps at different levels. Usually the steps are added to (over time), as a child masters a problem or difficulty, but it can also be used as a plan with a time frame attached to each step. For example, you might think it will take five weeks to go from the bottom step to the top step of achieving your goal. You could allocate a suggested time frame to the next couple of steps or just put them in and date them when they are mastered.

The dilemma for the parent is to be an advocate for their child, as well as to allow children to be strengthened by their own choices and decisions that deal with problems with their peers. Sometimes, a parent may also feel that they have already approached the school for understanding and modification of the curriculum or the homework, and do not want to appear to now be asking for consideration of/due to emotional issues. Parents may feel that they may even run the risk of losing those hard won accommodations because the child "is not coping socially or emotionally". If this is the case, there is a need to be very clear about separating the issue of gifted accommodations and bullying.

These ideas and strategies are only starting suggestions for low-level problems. They are not meant to be applied in a rigid fashion and you must be guided by your knowledge of your child to decide whether some strategies may not be suitable, or may even potentially escalate a situation. Should they not appear to be making a difference within a reasonable timeframe or if the distress levels of your child increase, the next step is to speak with your school counsellor or seek assistance from an experienced child psychologist.

Biography
Lizette Campbell is a Child & Educational Psychologist in private practice in Sydney. She is experienced in assessment and counselling Gifted and Talented children and their families and regularly consults with schools. Lizette is currently the National Secretary of the Australian Psychological Society's Child, Adolescent and Family Psychology Interest Group.

Suggested Reading
Field, Evelyn M. (1999) Bully Busting. Finch Publishing, Sydney.
Lind, S. (1999) Supersensitivity & Gifted Individuals. Gifted No 110. 1,21-23.
Seligman, Martin E.P. (1995) The Optimistic Child. Random House, 1995.

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